Friday, July 31, 2009

How long until I update again?

Well, just like when dad returns after two years when he told everyone he was "only going out to buy the paper," I'm back and you don't know what to think. Is this just a quick run down memory lane? Is dad tired of his new family and wants to reconnect?

The answer to both those questions is, "no."

First, dad doesn't love you again, his new family is much better. He's just seeing if he can sucker some money out of you. Second, I am back with stories galore.

I spent this past July working at a camp designed to help inner city children gain interest in a variety of topics ranging from science to leadership. I was lucky enough to teach science. I love science and prior to camp starting looked forward to it with great enthusiasm. As the first day of camp grew closer my enthusiasm dwindled down to dread.

In the next few days, I'll post a few of the stories from camp so that they may be immortalized in the internet.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The things that pass the time

One of the things that I sometimes do at work to pass the time is to create rewards cards for increasingly obscure literary characters. Being a simple man, I find nearly infinite amusement in looking up a phone number and seeing my little dummy accounts. Unfortunately we have, within the past few days, stopped using the method by which I was able to create these accounts. I guess I can find other ways to vent my frustration and animosity towards the workplace. Perhaps by the tried and true method of mysterious fires.

Every once in a while I witness something that temporarily breaks my mind. A few days ago I saw a considerably overweight 20-something woman with a sandwich tattoo on her back. I was more or less stuck on this phenomenon for the rest of the week. A slew of scenarios and explanations were constructed:

1) She wanted a tattoo of something meaningful--something she genuinely loved. She's fat, so she loves sandwiches.
2) She has a sense of humor. Which is nice. But what if she loses all that weight? Then she's just a girl with a big sandwich tattooed on her back. I guess it could serve as a conversation piece:
"Why do you have a sandwich tattooed on your back?"
"I used to be fat."
3) She went to the tattoo parlor and requested something typical--like a fairy or a couple of arbitrary Chinese characters. Instead, the tattooist (presumably drunk) tattooed a sandwich because she's fat and he thought it would be funny. After all, it's on her back--how would she ever see it? This would mean that her friends would be well aware of her sandwich tattoo and decided to tell her that it was indeed a pretty little fairy or a fascinating display of cultural awareness that made her seem in line with the Mysterious Orient.
4) She was with a very skinny gentleman. This is kind of a cliche--the overweight girl with the scrawny, nerdy looking guy. I mean it's straight out of every movie that was ever made between 1980 and 1994. Perhaps this skinny gentleman has a fascination with the more corpulent of lady-folk, and perhaps the sandwich tattoo was a fetishistic request on his part.
5) And finally, after I had exhausted any other options: the scrawny guy wanted to gain weight so he asked her to get a sandwich tattoo so that every time he porked her he would get hungry. Ta-dah!

Under Google Image Search for "fat sandwich tattoo."

Clearly I need to speak with a professional. And yes that last one was directly for the cheap seats. They're my bread and butter.