Wednesday, November 3, 2010


My hot damn!!! Long time, no banter cats and kittens!! DRock here once again. I'm writing because of the disturbing state of affairs that our dear friend Canada is involved in. His last post made me cry tears of immense pain so horrible, that I finished a bottle of wild turkey while simultaneously eating a tub of cookie dough ice cream....I then proceeded to vomit on myself for a few hours in a sugar/booze blackout extravaganza.

I think I'm should have gone to the hospital. Aaaaanyway....

I write to rally you all together in a mob of salvation!!! We must save Canada from the clutches of Midwest, 90 degree, Call of Duty, burnt egg slavery!!! Now, here's the plan for...


If you're with me, then I need us all to pull together to acquire these items...
1. Helicopter

2. Zip-line and grappling gun

3. Supersoaker guns for all involved in the mission

4. An ample amount of Rice Dream (this is what will fill the super soakers)

5. Stereo system for the 'copter

6. 2 mounted speakers for the 'copter that when blasted to the extreme will have the capacity to deafen a neighborhood into oblivion.

7. Protective ear wear so that our brains don't explode upon usage of the 'copter speakers

The helicopter will be used to swoop in without warning just above Canada's apartment complex. We then fire grappling hook attached to zip line near a point of easy access, such as a window. This is when the fun comes! The theme song of Sports Quiz, Prince's "Let's Go Crazy," will be jacked to the high heavens over the helicopter's stereo system. The idea here is to create a blistering situation in which the roommate of Canada will have no comprehension. Smoke grenades would work just as well...but this is more fun and appropriate, I think. As the song begins, our agents ( will zip line down to said entry way. Hopefully the sound waves from the Squiggled One's Purple Rain surprise will break the glass of our window entry, and we can enter the apartment in a blaze of glory. Now...what about these super soakers filled with Rice Dream, you ask?? Since it would be wrong of us to actually kill anyone on this mission, we have to settle for the next best thing in the line of defense. Anyone who tries to stop us from acquiring the target (Canada) will be immediately engaged with a stream of horrifying, rice-based milk product. This will stop anyone in their tracks and induce vomiting almost instantly.

Now, in the haze of confusion and heat (I'm sure it will be 90 degrees or above) we rapidly and uniformly seek out Canada and grab him as soon as he's located. Whomever reaches him first will immediately get him out of the building and into the chopper, which will at this time will be waiting on whatever nearby patch of open ground the pilot finds. As soon as Canada is escorted out and is secure, the rest of us then will back out of the area and all head for the chopper. As soon as we're clear of the area, "Let's Go Crazy" can be turned off, and we can ditch all the Rice Dream out of the helicopter so as to avoid rice induced vapor poisoning.

Now, the only question is...How do we acquire any of these things?

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